No one is coming
by Gleb Kalinin
No one is coming to save me. No one is coming to make my life worth living. No one is coming to solve my problems. Without my actions, nothing will change for the better.
It took me a long time to absorb this simple thought by Nathaniel Branden, often repeated by Mel Robbins these days.
From birth, a baby is dependent on the parent for everything - food, sleep, toileting, emotional state. The infant has no time perspective, no long-term goals and values, only needs centered in the here and now. The task of the parent, in addition to meeting immediate needs, emotional regulation is to help the child do things he or she does not want to do: clean up after himself or herself, eat something other than desserts, wash his or her face, work without expecting instant gratification.
In an ideal world where parents are emotionally mature, by the time the child leaves the parental home, he or she knows how to be a parent to himself or herself: regulate emotions and control impulses, understand himself or herself and his or her needs, solve complex long-term problems without instant encouragement. But the ideal world is so called because it exists only in ideas.
In reality, many of us have to find our own way to adulthood, and this way is often thorny. In today's increasingly complex world, the environment rarely provides us with ready-made maps in the form of a philosophy, culture or religion that suits us.
No one is coming to save me. I'm approaching 40, and it's as if I'm only now taking full responsibility for my life. Only now saying goodbye to the unconscious hope for salvation, for chance, luck, a magic wand, a partner... For me this is not a pessimistic idea - it has a lot of freedom and rootedness in reality.
I take responsibility for my life and I am prepared for the fact that the journey of growing up is full of difficulties, setbacks, and disappointments. My responsibility is to build a life that works for me. My health, my focus, my values, my accomplishments are my responsibility. Being a good parent to myself is my responsibility.
I still don't have a ready-made map for my life, but the compass that has emerged is values. But about that in the next post.